A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

    The private jet flight to LAX was a dream. Seeing Larry and Oprah again was like a family reunion, the good kind. 

    True to his word, Larry has a retired FBI polygraph examiner sitting with his equipment on a folding table beside the dais where Larry, Oprah, Willa Sue and Riley sit.

    At Larry's nod, the FBI agent says, "Hi, all. I'm Stella Kontas. I worked for the FBI here in Los Angeles for thirty years, the last twenty of which I administered polygraph exams to federal witnesses, snitches, and even some criminal defendants, with their lawyers' permission. I retired from the F.B.I. five years ago and opened my own private polygraph service, which local lawyers, mostly, use for their clients, and sometimes the Los Angeles Police Department uses me. I also service local businesses, when they ask.

    Riley smiles, nods to Stella, says, "I used a retired F.B.I. polygraph expert when I practiced law. Sometimes that headed off a lot of grief."

    Stela smiles, nods, says, "You want to go first, Mr. Strange?"

    "Sure."

    Riley stands up and walks to the folding table and sits in the empty chair across from Stella. She patches wires onto his arms, fiddles with dials on her device, and says, "I'm going to ask you some baseline questions, and then we'll get to it."

    "Go ahead."

    "Are you Riley Strange?"

    "Yes."

    "Were you born in Miami, Florida?"

    "No."

    "Did you practice law in Atlanta, Georgia?"

    "No."

    "Did you run around on your first wife, Mary Lou?"

    "No."

    "Did you run around on Willa Sue?"

    "No."

    "Did you want to run around on Mary Lou?"

    "No."

    "Did you kidnap Willa Sue?"

    "Depends on who you ask."

    "Did you trick Willa Sue?" 

    "Yes."

    "Did you give all of your money to Willa Sue's family?"

    "No."

    "Did you give any of your money to Willa Sue's family?"

    "No."

    "Did you ever overcharge a client?"

    "Yes, once, and I never did it again."

    "Did you ever lie to a judge or a jury?"

    "Sometimes I shaded the truth trying to help my clients win a case."

    "Were you born in 1942?"

    "No."

    "Were your parents Russian sleeper agents?"

    "No."

    Riley looks at Larry and Oprah, asks," Did you two put Stella up to some of these questions?"

    Larry laughs, says, "I plead the Fifth."

    Oprah rolls her eyes skyward.

    Stella asks, "Did you and Willa Sue visit President Bush in the White House?"

    "Yes."

    "Did President Bush tell you and Willa Sue that Vice-President Cheney threatened to kill him?" 

    "Yes."

    "Did President Bush tell you why?"

    "Yes."

    "What did President Bush tell you?"

    "Vice-President Cheney said, if President Bush didn't turn over the US Military to him, then President Bush would end up dead like President Kennedy and his brother Bobby, and Martin Luther King and Malcom X."

    "Did President Bush tell you that he turned over the US Military to Vice-President Cheney?"

    "Yes."

    "Did that shock you?"

    "Yes. Well, maybe not entirely."

    "Why not entirely?"

    "Because before he was Vice-President, Cheney ran Halliburton Industries, which stood to make a lot of money if America invaded Afghanistan, and Halliburton stands to make a lot more money if America invades Iraq."

    "Did your brother die in the Vietnam war?"

    "Yes."

    "Did that cause you to not like the U.S. Government?"

    "Yes."

    "Enough for you to make up what President Bush told you about Vice-President Cheney threatening to kill him?"

    "No. If I lie about that, or about anything, God will take me to the woodshed, and I don't want that to happen."

    "Do you feel like you are putting your and Willa Sue's lives at risk right now?" 

    "Yes, and your life, and Larry and Oprah's."

    Larry looks at Stella, raises his hands in a question?

    Riley says, "I want to say something about the Vietnam war."

    Stella nods.

    "Some years after it ended, Robert McNamara, who was the Secretary of Defense under Presidents Kennedy and Johnson, wrote a book, “In Retrospect”, in which he sort of said maybe he was wrong making war in Vietnam. I wanted to kill McNamara, for two reasons. He killed my brother Jack, and he got paid a lot of money by a New York publisher for writing the book. He should have given every penny to Vietnam vets and their families."

    Larry looks at Stella again, raises his hands in a question?"

    Stella says, "My device says Mr. Strange told the truth every time."

    "My turn, "Will Sue says.

    By the time Stella is done asking Willa Sue questions, people all over the world are chanting, "Willa Sue for President! Riley for Secretary of Defense!"

    Larry and Oprah stand and Riley and Willa Sue join them in a great big loving group hug.

    Larry thanks them for coming, and says, "We hope you come back soon. Americans need to hear the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, whether or not they want to hear it" 

    Oprah says, "Amen, Brother. Amen!"

    Riley thanks Stella, gives her a hug, says quietly, "I hope you have a bomb shelter."

    Willa Sue hooks her right arm around Riley's left arm and escorts him out of the studio to a yellow cab sitting at the curb out front.

    "Whew!, Willa Sue says. "I'm glad that's over."

    "Me, too, Wife."

    A rocket-propelled grenade fired from a shoulder launcher held by a Vietnam war combat vet standing in an alley across the street blows the taxi, the driver, Riley and Willa Sue to smithereens.

    Riley and Willa Sue and the taxi driver wake up in a waiting room.

    Sitting on a sofa across from them is Mary Lou, smiling.

    A woman, who looks like Stella's twin sister, hands them each a copy of "A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe.” 

    Riley and Willa Sue’s wills leave everything to the Alabama Sheriff Boys and Girls Ranches for unwanted and/or orphaned children.

    The taxi driver was a Russian sleeper agent. His wife still is a Russian sleeper agent. They had no children.