Alabama Jack's

Alabama Jack's

         Instead of going back up the 18-mile stretch, Willa Sue veers the Highlander right onto County 95 toward Card Sound Road and, past there, The Ocean Reef Club. Unlike the rest of the Florida Keys, this part of Key Largo has some rolling land, and has squirrels.  When they reach Card Sound Road, Willa Sue turns left, having zero interest in seeing upscale Ocean Reef Club, which dumped its raw sewage into its saltwater creek.

    About two miles later, they reach Card Sound Bridge and enjoy the  spectacular view at its apex. At the northern end of the bridge is a tool booth which collects $1.00 from Willa Sue. Just past the toll booth on the left, on a saltwater canal, which looks like a Louisiana bayou, is a pavilion and next to that a low building with a sign on it saying, Alabama Jack's. Parked in front of Alabama Jack's are three Harleys. Willa Sue had read online that this is a biker hangout on weekends. 

    They get out of the Highlander and go into Alabama Jacks, which has a bar and some tables, and a grill behind the bar, and a t-shirt shop on the left well-stocked with Alabama Jack's t-shirts. Three men and a woman, with tattoos on their arms, dressed in black, sit at the bar, drinking draft beer. On the back of their biker jackets is Road Warriors."

    Riley and Willa Sue head for the bar and sit on stools. 

    A bleach-blond waitress in a tank top walks over to them, asks, "What's your pleasure?"

    Riley says, "You have ale and ginger?" 

    The bartender looks puzzled, says, "Ale and ginger?"

    "Ginger ale, I can't take him anywhere, " Willa Sue says.

    The bikers's heads turn toward Riley and Willa Sue."

    "Yeah, Canada Dry", the bartender says.

    "You have limes?" Riley asks.

    "Yes, you want key limes or Publix limes?", the bartender asks.

    "Key limes," Riley says.

    Key lime trees grow wild throughout the Florida Keys. In olden times, key limes were used to make key lime pie. Key limes are much smaller than Publix limes, and tartar. Willa Sue had read that at Wikipedia.

    The bartender brings them two cans of Canada Dry, two plastic cups with ice, and two key limes cut in half, which they squeeze into the cups and pour in the ale and ginger. 

    Riley says, "I think Humphrey Bogart drank whiskey in the Key Largo movie, but we have a long drive ahead of us. Otherwise, we'd be drinking draft beer."

    The bartender says, "Gotcha, but that was pretty funny, ordering ale and ginger."

    "He's not always funny," Willa Sue says.

    "The woman biker says, "Aren't you two Riley Strange and Willa Sue Jenkins? I saw on you Oprah."

    The bartender says, "Oh my God, you're right, I saw you on Larry King Live!"

   Willa Sue looks at Riles, says, "Busted."

    The biker woman asks the bartender, "Do you have a magic marker pen?"

    The bartender turns and grabs a magic marker pen and has it to the biker woman, who walks over to Riley and hands him the pen and lowers her halter top and says, "Pretty please, write someone on my boobs."

    Riley looks at Willa Sue, who nods her head, yes.

    Riley writes on the biker woman's right boob, "Biker" and on her left boob, "Chick", and between her boobs, he draws a heart."

    The biker men burst out laughing. Take off their jackets and T-shirts and walk over and ask Willa Sue to write something on their boobs.

    Willa Sue looks at Riley.

    Riley nods, yes.

    Willa Sue looks at the biker man on her left. His chest is hairy. No way she can write on that fur. She asks him to turn around. He turns around, and she writes on this back, "Tarzan of the Apes." 

    The biker asks Biker Chick what Willa Sue wrote on his back? Biker Chick says, "Hairy Fucking Ape."

    "Really?"

    "Really."

    Willa Sue says, "She's pulling your fur. I wrote, "Tarzan of the Apes."

    Tarzan says, "I think I'm fucking in love with you, Willa Sue."

    Biker Chick says, "As long as you don't fall in love with Riley, he's mine!"

    Riley looks at Willa Sue. Willa Sue looks at Riley.

    Willa Sue turns to biker man in the middle. His chest is pretty smooth. She writes on it, "Stay Hungry." 

    Biker Chick bursts out laughing, says, "He stays hungry, alright."

    Stay Hungry tells Biker Chick, "Let's go out back."

    Biker Chick says, "Later, Macho Man."

    Willa Sue turns to biker man on her right, whose thinning hair on his sun-tanned chest is blond. She writes "Steve McQueen across his back. 

    Biker Chick says, "Sorry, Stay Hungry, me and Steve are going out back." 

    They leave.

    Stay Hungry looks mournfully at Willa Sue, who says, "Sorry, stud hoss, I'm Riley's bitch."

    Riley says, "She can drop you with a roundhouse kick in about a second."

    Stay Hungry looks at Willa Sue, smiles, says, "I think you should be president, and Riley should be your bitch."

    "A-fuckin'-men," the bartender shouts.

    Rileys asks, "Do any of you know why they built that bridge out there, which seems to come from nowhere and go to nowhere?"

    The bartender says, "Politicians got their pockets lined by Ocean Reef Club members who didn't like driving the 18-mile stretch to Key Largo, then backtracking 95 to Ocean Reef."

    "Sorta figured as much," Riley says."

    Stay Hungry says, "Riley, what do you think about bikers?"

    Rileys says, "I hated how it ends, but one of my favorite movies is Easy Rider. Maybe Willa Sue and me need some advice on getting us a pair of motorcycles."

    Stay Hungry says, "You live near Jacksonville, don't you?"

    "Yes."

    "I'm going to write down a biker brother's phone number, who can advise you about that after you get home."

    Riley nods, Willa Sue says, "We won't need but one bike, Riley can ride on the bitch seat."

    Riley tells the bartender, "We are gonna need a few dozen Alabama Jacks T-shirts."

    The bartender smiles.