Larry King Live

Larry King Live

Riley put Willa Sue’s email to Oprah on strangerthanfiction.com, which Go Daddy analytics show is getting just under 1,000,000 page views per post. 

“Not bad for a brand new blog, A-fucking-mazing, actually. Thank you, Oprah.”

“Amen,” Willa Sue says.

“I didn’t finish, Dearest. We also can thank Oprah for helping us paint a lot more bullseyes and red dots all over us.”

“Like that wasn’t your dream come true?”

“Maybe I should plead the 5th.”

“Either you should. Or Archangel Michael should.”

“Funny girl. Archangel Michael is bullet proof, and youse and meses ain’t. Maybe, in exchange for keeping my big mouth shut, I should have asked President Bush to assign us Secret Service protection?”

“Archangel Michael will look after us … I hope, and you didn't promise to keep your big mouth shut.”

“I hope so, because youse and mese is pissing off a lot of people.”

“And from the analytics, maybe we are making lots of friends?”

“We don’t know what those numbers mean about who's looking at the blog. All we know is a lot of people are looking at it.”

“Is there any way, Riley, that we can find out what kind of people are looking at it?”

“Well, I could mention at the blog that youse and meses is doing a study, and we are wondering what what people coming to the blog feel about us, and they could make smiley or frowny face comments.”

“Some people might be afraid to make comments.”

“True, but perhaps we might get enough comments to get a feel of what percentage wants us to shut up, or dead, and what percentage wants us to keep shooting off our mouths.”

“Well,  Mr. Statistics, so far, only Appalachian Queen has commented, and why do you think nobody else has?”

“They don’t want to paint bullseyes and red dots all over themselves?”

“Duh.”

Riley’s cell phone rings. He doesn’t recognize the area code. He answers.

“This is Larry King’s producer, Mary Poppins, trying to reach Riley Strange.”

“Mary Poppins? For real?’

“Kinda weird, right?”

“Really Weird, actually.”

“Are you Riley?”

“Super kala fragilistic expi alidocious, yes, that’s me, Mary.”

“For real, you have that memorized?’

“Docious ali expi istic fragi kala rupas,” or something like that spells it backwards, Mary.”

“How’d you come to learn that, Mr. Strange?’

“My children made me learn it, no thanks to you.”

“Shall we start over?”

“Please.”

“I’m Mary Johnson, not to be confused with a US president from Texas.”

“Pleased to meet you, Mary, no relation to the president that promised all of America on TV that he would never send American boys to die in a war in Asia, and then he did just that, and one of those boys was my older brother.”

“That, and what else you said on Oprah’s show, and what you put on your blog, is why Mr. King asked me to call Oprah and get your phone number, so I could call and ask if you and Willa Sue will come to CNN’s Los Angeles studio and be on Mr. King’s show?”

“Larry King wants us to paint a lot more bullseyes and red dots all over ourselves?”

Riley looks at Willa Sue, she mouth’s, “Go for it.”

“Well, that’s one way of looking at it, Riley. But, will you and Willa Sue do it?”

“Does a bear crap in the woods, Miss Mary Not Poppins?”

“I believe that’s where most bears crap, Mr. Really Very Strange Man.”

“Are you gonna be a nice person like Oprah and send us first class airline tickets and put us up in a posh L.A. hotel?We're getting nearly 1,000,000 page views per blog post, and if I put on the blog that we're going to be on Larry King Live..."

“Do you also intend to hit Mr. King up for a large donation to your presidential campaign?”

“How’d you know?”

“Same as I know bears crap in the woods?”

“Well, free first class airline tickets and posh hotel room?”

“Okay, but please don’t hit Larry up on the air for a donation.”

“I was joking about that. The next presidential campaign season is 2004, and we are still in 2001. Besides not knowing if I will be alive in 2004, or if Earth will be invaded by ETs, or a sun flare will not crisp humanity...  I wouldn’t hit anyone up for a donation, because... I wouldn’t have a campaign … if people want me to be president ... it's up to them to make it happen ... I think it should be... illegal to run for public office and promote yourself ... and... I’ve got other things I like to do a whole lot better than what candidates for office do.”

Silence.

“You still there Miss Mary Not Poppins?”

“Sorry, I am trying to wrap my mind around what you said.”

“That’s okay, because I’m trying to wrap my mind around what I said. It just popped right outta my mouth, like it was just waiting on a good time to do it.”

“Larry wanted me to ask if you and Willa Sue still can break boards with your bare hands and feet?”

‘Does a bear crap in the woods?”

“Are you and Willa Sue wiling to do that when you are on the air with Larry?”

“Do we get free meals at 5-star L.A. restaurant for doing that?

“I think Larry will agree to that.”

“Do you want me to bring my samurai sword?”

“Your what?”

“Just joking. Don’t have one.”

“Tell me your email address and I’ll send you the fine details.”

“rileystrange@yahoo.com.”