The Great Parallel Universe Escape Plan

 The Great Parallel Universe Escape Plan

     In a parallel universe,  America’s 43rd president, who got into the Alabama Air National Guard via his father’s influence, to save him from being inducted in into the US Army and being sent to Vietnam, and who went AWOL from the Alabama Air National Guard and got away from it, is having the time of his life with his wife, Laura, and the last thing he wants is to spend a lot of time being Commander-in-Chief of America’s armed forces during wars prosecuted on his watch. So, he gladly surrenders his Commander-in-Chief duty when Vice-President says behind closed doors, “Here’s the deal, Georgie Boy. Either you let me run the US Military, or what happened to John F. Kennedy and his brother Bobby, and to Martin Lluther King and Malcom X, will happen to you."

     In that parallel universe, Dick Cheney could care less about Riley Strange, whereas Georgie Boy, having had his balls squeezed so hard that he could not breathe, wishes with all his heart that he lives in a parallel universe where there is no Riley Strange. Brother Jeb feels exactly the same, but Brother Jeb is not President of the United States. Brother Jeb isn't getting lampooned in the national news media and all over the internet. And, Brother Jeb ain’t thinking about telling what really caused him and George to want Riley out of prison ASAP. If they tell that, everyone will view them as crazy and needing to be locked up for their and everyone else’s own good, and given meds that in all of Eternity will have zero effect on Archangel Michael.

     So, when Vice-President Cheney tells Georgie Boy to hand over the US Military, and Georgie Boy says ok and falls to the floor, knowing he would rather die than tell anyone why he is clutching his balls and shrieking, Cheney smiles, because he thinks he caused it. Not entirely a monster, Archangel Michael stops squeezing Georgie Boy’s balls.

Later that day, feigning concern that Riley will run for president, Georgie Boy asks his Attorney General to look into whether or not Riley can run for president. The next day, the Attorney General emails Georgie Boy:

Fourteenth Amendment, Section 3:

No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice-President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any State, who, having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any State legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any State, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof. But Congress may by a vote of two-thirds of each House, remove such disability.

In 1920, Socialist Eugene V. Debs ran for the Oval Office from the Atlanta Federal Penitentiary, where he was known as "prisoner 9653," according to Smithsonian Magazine. Debs was a so-called "radical" at the time, decrying capitalism and the World War I draft. The latter got him locked up, but Debs earned plenty of supporters during his imprisonment. He had also run for president on the Social Party ticket five prior times, often campaigning what historians attributed as more a symbolic race.

On election night in 1920, Debs didn't make a speech, and instead, he wrote a statement, the Washington post reported:

"I thank the capitalist masters for putting me here," he wrote, according to The Post. "They know where I belong under their criminal and corrupting system. It is the only compliment they could pay me."

Debs ended up earning about 3.5% of the national vote for president, Smithsonian Magazine reported.

Over 70 years later, another convicted candidate ran for the president from jail: political fringe and conspiracy theorist Lyndon LaRouche.

LaRouche was no stranger to campaigning — he ran in every election from 1976 to 2000 — but his 1992 campaign from federal prison garnered particular attention LaRouche was behind bars serving a 15-year sentence for committing mail fraud and campaign fraud conspiracy, the latter involving $30 million in loans from supporters that prosecutors said LaRouche had never attempted to repay. But that didn't stop him from seeking out the Democratic Party nomination.

Beyond his economic viewpoints, LaRouche's other beliefs often played into conspiracy theories and apocalyptic visions about the world. He had a variety of confounding views of the AIDS crisis —including that it was first spread by the International Monetary Fund — and believed the Holocaust was “mythical”.

     Georgie Boy hopes Riley runs and wins, and saves him, America and humanity from Dick Cheney.

     In the other parallel universe, Riley tells Willa Sue, “Nothing in me wants to be president. I don’t want the job. If elected, I demand a recount. If I win the recount, I resign.”

     Willa Sue asks, “From God’s mouth to your ear?”

    Riley shrugs, smiles, says. “I dunno, but it sure sounds good, don’t it?”

     Willa Sue laughs, says, "Yeah, it shore do, and to tell the truth, I’ve been ruminating, and I think living in the White House and having to pretend to be someone I sure as hell ain’t don’t seem like a lot of fun. But you running for president and doing what you do and not saying what you really are up to might be a whole heap of fun!”

     “From God’s mouth to your ear, Willa Sue?”